Five features of conscious dating
This is part of a series of posts on conscious dating. You can read more about NRE, crushes, the third date rule, expectations, the dating mistake you’re definitely making and the different stages in relationships
Be clear from the start about what you need right now
Life can surprise us – almost everyone who is important to me was also a surprise when I met them. The key here is to consider your needs and your current circumstances and be sure, in yourself, whilst also receptive to other things, about what you’re looking for. It’s a combination of knowing what you need, being able to hold boundaries and awareness of all this held with receptivity to what life is up to all around you. It can be complex to do. Journalling or talking to a trusted friend can help. Checking in with how you really feel and measuring the gap between what you really want and what you think you SHOULD want can be a useful starting point.
Always be dating and never be dating
What does this mean? A little like what we just identified around needs, it means trying to stay receptive and open. Dating becomes an issue when we load it down with heavy expectations and the anxiety and upset that is (naturally) caused by unmet needs (see below). A friend recently said: If you go to a social looking to meet a partner you’ll inevitably be disappointed but if you go with an open mind you might be pleasantly surprised. I think he’s right. If we can meet people and attend any sort of event or activity with an open heart and mind, life has a better chance of surprising us with. You never know, it might even end up giving you exactly what you need 🙂
Try to get your needs met from a range of places
One of the hardest things about dating is that we often come to it from a place of recognising that we need, or would like something, in our life. It can be really hard to be your most confident and authentic self when you’ve not had a hug /touch or intimacy in a while. It’s crucial to recognise the need for touch in our lives and that it can really limit our emotional range. It’s the same for good company, laughter. The things most people want from a partner can often be found, and met to a great degree, in our friendships. I know it might not feel the same, and that’s fine, but getting these intense needs even partially met elsewhere releases the heavy feelings. It can also help you to approach dating and connecting from a place of internal confidence which really does make all the difference.
Have as full a life as you can
Linked to the above, this is about taking a look at your life and making sure that you are living it as you’d like to. I know there are multiple and complicated reasons why life can be not as we’d like. White supremacist, financialised capitalism is a fucker of a system to be living in. If we take a look at the possible areas of life: friends, work, family, hobbies, creativity, rest and relaxation, learning, physical activity and spirituality, we might recognise that we can mix up our attention so that we’re not only thinking about dating and partnerships. This is not about dismissing the importance of dating but recognising that it is one part of life, not all of it. I know you know that 🙂 but, with all the social pressure, the unmet needs and the fact that it can just feel really good to have a special person or people in your life it can be easy to forget that living solo can also be extremely rewarding.
Be honest with yourself that it can be tough…
Living solo is also really hard sometimes. Looking to meet someone and the putting ourselves out there and challenges and discomfort we face in doing so are REALLY hard to hold. Take it slow, be kind to yourself. Take a break if you need. Speak to a friend. Give yourself a cuddle or a treat. It is so important to take care of and feel through the discomfort and to pay attention to what your body and feelings are telling you that you need.
…and that you might need some support
Holding these challenging feels and stepping out of the spiral of your own story around dating and relationships can be really hard. This is where I can help. I coach people around relationships as well as creativity, work and all other areas of life. Sessions are priced according to your financial circumstances and can be a one off or a series. Coaching helps you see where you are at and what you need to do with clear eyes. Get in touch: anita.cassidy@alethya.com
Or book a free 30 minute session with me HERE.
