As part of my short set of articles about evolving within kink, I’ve written two pieces about how I play.
When the way we want to engage with our sexuality shifts, it can feel exciting, but also unsettling. Ten years ago, when I discovered BDSM and began exploring my own connection to being submissive, it felt exciting and clarifying: the lens of submission gave me a clarity of vision about myself and my relationship with sex, intimacy and connection that I hadn’t ever experienced before. It was also a shift that marked the beginning of the end of my ten-year marriage.
Upon feeling another shift, a shift to wanting to explore being more dominant, my first response was panic and anger: what the hell was this? I didn’t want it! And then, as I felt into it more, and the anger and resistance softened into curiosity, I experienced several weeks of sadness and grief. I felt as though I had lost something. Would I ever again have the depth of feeling I had had about certain words and experiences? Why did things have to change? I liked me as I was.
Now, six months on, having allowed the change, having felt through the grief and got to a place of acceptance about the possibilities the shift offered, I’m happier than I’ve ever been. Partly this has been down to meeting some amazing people and sharing some fantastic experiences with them, as well as the challenge and fun of learning new things. Partly this is down to having entered a relationship which is based on this dynamic: exploring it with another deeply enthusiastic person has been transformative as well as an enormous amount of fun. Lastly, part of this joy comes from accepting change, feeling through the loss and the shift, and being fully present to who I am right now. I wonder what’s next?
I thought I would share how the different parts of me ‘play’. This hopefully gives some insight into the how of what I do, as well as the energy, time and attention to detail that BDSM demands.
This is a relatively new space for me. I began exploring it in the spring of 2025 and wrote a little about that shift here. When I look back, the combination of the catsuit and hood and the fact of being in a long-distance power dynamic for most of last year are what effected the shift. How we are loved, and what we do, changes who we are and what we need.
How I like to play as dominant woman is very much how I like to be played with as submissive woman. Just flipped around.
As a baseline, I need to feel and see mutual enthusiasm and excitement about the play There needs to be enthusiastic consent and agreement as well as an inescapable desire to touch and enjoy each other.
I like to send elaborate emails telling you what we will do as well as sending cryptic ones that hint but leave you tingling and guessing. I like to create ‘themes’ for the time we have: a theme can be something to explore over a month (in October I explored the theme of service over the four weeks and in two long weekends), or just for an hour or two. I like every experience, every time we play, to feel handcrafted, unique.
I like to co-create. I will ask you for ideas, for feedback. I pay attention to what your words say but, more than that, I will read your body, listen to what it trembles for. I will tell you to make Top Ten lists and to show me the porn you watch, the things you like on Fetlife, Tumblr. I want to know where your mind drifts to at three-thirty on a rainy Tuesday, what causes your cock to stiffen.
I enjoy chastity. The aesthetics of it, the key round my neck and knowing that every time I whisper in your ear or kiss you, you get uncomfortable. I like telling you when you can and cannot touch yourself. I like to see you posing when you wake up. I will instruct you to send me photos. I like to tell you how you can play with yourself when I allow it: what to wear, how to touch it, if you can make a sound, where you will cum. I want video; I need audio of your sighs and groans.
I relish pain, seeing you take it and learn from it. I like a cane, needle-pointed wheels and scratchy vampire gloves. More than that I love to hear the snap of my palm against your skin. The red bloom of blood rising to the surface, a groove of tooth marks, the suction bruise of a love-bite.
I want to enjoy every part of you: your mouth, your cock, your ass, your breath, your cum. I want to own your ass in the way that I own your cock. Your pleasure is crucial to me: I need to see you dripping, writhing, begging for release. And I want you to enjoy every part of me: my ass, my spit, my wet cunt, my piss.
I thrive on being in control and giving care. Over time, I would want to own you. Will own you: every twitch, every drip from your cock, every glance. I will also care for you with a depth of compassion and generosity that will transform your experience of yourself. I will foster, tend and cherish you.
Imagination is the centrepiece of my domination. I want to cultivate and curate experiences for you that leave you altered.
I also demand your honesty, your patience and your enthusiasm. Be fully here with me or don’t bother. Want me, need me, worship me.
I love to have you kiss my feet, my shoes, press your lips against my ankle. I need you to be determined to give me pleasure and to do it as I say and when I say. Mutual pleasure is our altar. I am the marble; you the cloth.
With all this intensity comes a commitment to care. I will hold you, pet you, kiss and cuddle you. I will bathe you and stroke you, fetch your favourite drink and snacks, wrap you up in a soft blanket and keep you close.
These are some of the ways that you will know you are mine.
