As part of my short set of articles about evolving within kink, I’ve written two pieces about how I play.
When the way we want to engage with our sexuality shifts, it can feel exciting, but also unsettling. Ten years ago, when I discovered BDSM and began exploring my own connection to being submissive, it felt exciting and clarifying: the lens of submission gave me a clarity of vision about myself and my relationship with sex, intimacy and connection that I hadn’t ever experienced before. It was also a shift that marked the beginning of the end of my ten-year marriage.
Upon feeling another shift, a shift to wanting to explore being more dominant, my first response was panic and anger: what the hell was this? I didn’t want it! And then, as I felt into it more, and the anger and resistance softened into curiosity, I experienced several weeks of sadness and grief. I felt as though I had lost something. Would I ever again have the depth of feeling I had had about certain words and experiences? Why did things have to change? I liked me as I was.
Now, six months on, having allowed the change, having felt through the grief and got to a place of acceptance about the possibilities the shift offered, I’m happier than I’ve ever been. Partly this has been down to meeting some amazing people and sharing some fantastic experiences with them, as well as the challenge and fun of learning new things. Partly this is down to having entered a relationship which is based on this dynamic: exploring it with another deeply enthusiastic person has been transformative as well as an enormous amount of fun. Lastly, part of this joy comes from accepting change, feeling through the loss and the shift, and being fully present to who I am right now. I wonder what’s next?
I thought I would share how the different parts of me ‘play’. This hopefully gives some insight into the how of what I do, as well as the energy, time and attention to detail that BDSM demands.
I discovered I was submissive in 2015 after opening my marriage. I answered a lot of questions on OKCupid and released a flood of male ‘dominants’ into my inbox. I also discovered Tumblr through the one and only Miller, friend and important person to me. It was a huge part of my identity for a decade but hasn’t been for much of this year. It will be interesting to see if I ever want to return to playing like this. At the moment, it feels like I won’t but who knows… This piece is very much based on how I played as /s for the last decade or so.
In the submissive headspace, what I’m looking for is an intense D/s power dynamic – a sadistic Daddy. To me, this means lots of impact play, rough sex, primal sex/energy. I’d like you to tell me what to do, what to wear. I would love you to choke me, slap me, pinch me, bite me. Tell me to hold my breath as I masturbate. Watch me go on a date with someone else. Know the power of words to humiliate me. Tell me all I am is a set of holes and fuck me hard in all of them.
I love the ‘classic’ D/s stuff around smart clothes and touch/reading, etc. Think of those black and white photos of men in suits and girls in lingerie. Think of you with your hand in my hair as I read, of me lying with my head in your lap while you stroke my back and I nuzzle towards your cock. Think about leather belts being unfurled ready for a beating.
I enjoy rimming. I get huge pleasure from giving oral sex, especially long, sloppy, drooling blow jobs. The ones where I’m on my knees with your balls stuffed in your mouth, looking up at you, eyes wide while spit foams over my chin.
Tell me to lick your cum off the floor or out of my cupped hands, humiliate me, buy me things to wear; or let’s go shopping together.
Free use, CNC, degradation, water sports, omorashi…and after all this consensual sexual violence comes tender aftercare and cuddles, watching movies, going for walks, enjoying meals/drinks and hugs.
I like someone who’s confident enough to celebrate my sluttiness, who wants to hear the stories, to whore me out.
Words that you like to say and that I like to hear: slut, good girl, I am proud of you, little one, mine, my whore, my toy, fuck doll, cum slut, bitch.
I like the idea that the dynamic is contained and separate, for example using separate accounts/texts to hold that dynamic and speak in that way outside of the day-to-day. It helps to create a separate space to immerse the self in.
I like people who are creative and will bring as much energy and imagination to a dynamic as I think I can, spend time and imagination creating frameworks for play, enjoy sensory deprivation, latex hoods, full cover.
The intensity of play needs to be followed by a similar attention to aftercare and support. Cuddle me, bathe me, wash my hair by candlelight, check in with me, tell me how it was for you and how proud you are of me.
This is how I give myself to a dynamic. With commitment, with enthusiasm, with care.
