Some of the most powerful scenes in my first book (Appetite) are also the scenes hardly anyone talks about. Scenes where a married woman is masturbating because a half-stranger tells her to, scenes where she speaks of her desire and where she sees, for the first time, the expansive, terrifying depths of desire that she has within herself. This desire feels like something that will overwhelm her – a force that can’t, won’t, be contained.
Like Naomi, I had, before the age of 40, rarely thought much about sex. I thought that was normal. I didn’t think about it much because I didn’t know there was something to think about. I was happy enough with what I had, content in not knowing what I didn’t know. I was experiencing a frequent sense of unease and distress but I always attributed that to everything other than monogamy and my sex life. Why would it be the fault of the two things that I had never really consciously thought about, the two things I did not even know I could think about…
Then, as I was writing ‘Appetite’, I came across some images that sparked my desire and I began my own, firstly very unconscious, and now very intentional exploration of desire as well as of power dynamics: Dominant/submissive, or D/s*. D/s is part of BDSM (Bondage, Domination, Submission/sadism, Masochism)*.
In an effort to improve understanding of BDSM as well as support those interested in exploring, I’ve written a few pieces about these experiences: my story and my thoughts and considerations on consciously exploring sex and desires.
*These words are often heavily loaded by our cultures and mean different things to different people. There is a growing body of medical and psychological evidence that those who practice kink in some form are mentally and emotionally healthier than those who do not.
